Blessing

This past week I was blessed with the money to buy a Nikon D70!

How I had the money in my account I'm not quite sure. Yes I've been frugal with money since quitting my main job, but I've also had a lot of expenses that I couldn't avoid.
The only difference in my money spending is that since June I have actually been tithing at least 10% like I should have always been doing. Before ten percent was just so little to give and I needed it so much that I just gave ... well a lot less if any at all. Mark 12: 41-44 and Luke 21:1-4 is the story of a poor widow who gives a pennies worth, all she had ... It's one of those things that when talked about I was in full agreement but never went through with. No cash, too large of a bill, forgot. There were always reasons not to.
I've needed a new camera for some time now, but have never had the money. I've always known that if I wanted to be blessed I had to give and yet I rarely did and never when it caused my to be concerned about money for my own needs. I can be a little dense sometimes.
In June something changed. I went to a BigStuf conference/camp in Daytona, Fl for one week as a leader with Jarvis Student Ministries. There a speaker told everyone how he had come to realize the impact he could make by cutting down on expenses and actually giving tithe and trusting that there would be enough to take care of his family. I realized how much money I did have and how much of it I didn't need.
As I've been giving these past few months I have found that I have to depend on God more. Not knowing if I'll have enough money to go eat out several times a month has really opened my eyes. This past week God told me to give 25% of my paycheck to someone. Now my paycheck decreased drastically two months ago so 25% is nothing compared to my once 10%. So it wasn't the amount that made me cringe and want to hold back; it was what I was left with. I battled with it for almost an entire day. When I finally decided that I would do it it was because I knew I had to trust Him and His word that if I blessed others out of faith He would bless me ... somehow, even with something as simple as happiness.

Well God has blessed me ... in so many ways.

Hearing Hope

Pulling forward
Pushing hard
Waiting for the day break to come
Silently hearing
Desperately hoping
Waiting for the clouds to fade

Rain
I can hear the sound of rain

Falling neatly
Almost silently
Replying to all the desperate pleas
Filling the void
Opposite is the answer
Opposite is best

Day
Day break has come

Give Just A Little Time

Last night I turned on my computer. I opened Moxilla Firefox, grabbed something to drink and finally sat down. As I moved the cursor to the address bar and clinked I noticed the headline on the Dell homepage; India terror begins with corpses on train platform.

Usually I would read this and continue typing my website address and move on, but this time I didn’t. Instead I sat there wondering why I wasn’t keeping up with the news. Why wasn’t I aware of the devastation effecting so many lives. I clicked on the headline.
Since Wednesday this has been going on. I couldn’t believe I didn’t know about this. Rarely do I ever read an article, I like to scan, get the major details, save time. Last night I read every word.
The fact that I have been so self absorbed that I didn’t even know of the struggles the world has been facing by itself filled me with grief. The fact that there are thousands of other people out there that are just like that and don’t care to be informed (to care) makes my heart ache. How can we not care that there are people being murdered on a rampage while we eat Thanksgiving dinner? That, even though we may not be able to physically help, we can change things; at least through prayer … the most powerful weapon of all.
If people took time to care for other outside of their neighborhood, city, region, state, country, and continent our world would benefit beyond what I can imagine.

But this would require sacrifice. Peoples time. Time to learn what is going on. Where the hurt is. Where the need is. Time to pray. Time to inform others. Time to figure out if we can help beyond. Time for those actions. If only we all gave a little time.

Lord,
You have given us so much especially here in the United States. You have blessed us. Place on our hearts to bless others. Place on our hearts, on my heart, to take action, to pray, to care, to be informed, to give … just a little time.
Amen.

Revival is Coming THROUGH Us!

Over the past month I have watched God move tremendously.
At the begining of October Eddie James Ministries visited ECU and Vision Caster Ministries October 6 – 8, 2008. 25+ students were saved Monday night at ECU at the Eddie James outreach. And believers from 10+ churches came together Tuesday and Wednesday night at Vision Caster with Eddie James – many prophetic words were released, teenagers were baptized in the Holy Spirit, etc.
That same Tuesday night, October 7th, there was a night of repentance and prayer for racial reconciliation at JH Rose High School.

There have been groups of students gathering together before church even starts to pray for their church. Worship has been carrying through the entire service and many are being healed.

Rick Pino, the founder of Fire Rain Ministries, came to Greenville on October 17th and 18th. While here he prophesied spiritual fertilityin the area according to Isaiah 54.

Many local congregations are beginning to feel the stir of the spirit and have started hosting prayer meetings. St. Paul Church is hosting prayer before their Sunday morning services; Open Door Ministries and Covenant United Methodist have established two different weekly prayer meetings. ECU students from Victory Campus Ministries are gathering almost every day at Greenville Christian Fellowship to pray for their campus. Vision Caster Ministries has mobilized their congregation to pray in shifts, covering nearly six days in 24 hour prayer.

Starting October 3rd many joined together in fasting, prayer and giving to see revival in Greenville. Since have many have continued to join. It is still not too late to join. Here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9lXYHXrpVo) Matthew Lilley explains the drive and purpose of this fasting and praying along with a lot more.

God has placed prayer on many peoples hearts across this area, across Greenville.

This Friday, October 31st, theBURN will take place.
The BURN is continuous ministry to God for the well-being of the city of Greenville especially for the downtown/campus area. Worship leaders, musicians and intercessors will be taking shifts to keep worship and prayer “burning” for 10 hours.
(The name BURN was borrowed from a worldwide day and night worship ministry called Burn 24/7 – see www. theburn247. com for more details on their ministry.)
Worship and prayer leaders who are involved come from various local churches and ministries including Vision Caster Ministries, 6:22 Ministries, Jarvis Memorial UMC, Greenville Christian Fellowship, Victory Campus Ministries, Collide Ministries, St. Peter’s Catholic Church, Potter’s Place Church of God and Open Door Ministries.
It will be taking place at Jarvis Memorial UMC in the youth area. For the schedule and more info go to http://www.prayforgreenville.org

Also coming up on November there will be a week of continous prayer on ECU campus. The prayer will start Sunday, November 9 at 6pm and last until the next Sunday, November 16 at the Baptist Campus Ministry. The week is sponsored by Campus Christian Fellowship, and these guys had no idea about Vision Casters’ House of Prayer or any of the other prayer movements in our region. They just started reading Red Moon Rising this summer and the Holy Spirit stirred them to do a week of prayer. Many campus ministries are teaming together to make this happen.
Join the week of prayer at ECU at http://www.247ecu.com. Consider fasting that whole week.

Personally I have seen many students feeling this movement in their hearts though they know nothing of what is going on.
Deligent prayer from people for years is now breaking down the strongholds here in Greenville.

This is my observation. This is my prayer.

Matthew Lilley has bloged several times on this. Go to http://www.xanga.com/worshiplikejesus to read his blog.

Join with me in prayer for our city.
Continue praying!

Frugal Grasp

How do you hold on?
Gripping fingers rarely work
Knotted ties always slip
Why do you try?

I grasp my fingers around this life
Hoping in solitude my frugal efforts thrive
Digging nails into my palm
Nothing can leave without my word

Reports of betrayal hit my tender skin
None realize what assumptions layout
My fingers itch to let loose
Words in ear say many think other then truth

Why does lack of laughter cause remorse?

The phone lies silent after many tries
The lack of each cut deep
Scaring knuckles, losing grip
When will things turn back to good?

Meaningless repentance
Forgotten forgiveness
Sucking the only thrive I have

How can this last?
Why do I even try?

They continue in arrogance towards pain
Needs may be the repulse
Lack of providence turn away
Am I a burden to bare?

When treats and shows are provided by none
But blessings come from giving a hand onto
Trying, striving, longing to repay
My fingers ache to stretch free

May I grant this pleasurable death?

Palm clams up
Slips unnoticably still
Looks are decieving to most
Maybe I am one

I'm Not Brave Yet

Today right as I started my shift at work an adorable, white blonde haired, little boy came out into the reception area. He threw open the hallway door and stood there holding it, waiting for his mom and little brother. Once they were through he came up to me and started telling me about what had happened to his mom earlier.
“My mommy went to the hospital. She had to get a shot. She didn’t cry or anything.”
I decided to take the conversation away from her since she was standing right there telling another worker about the hospital trip. No need to have the kid tell me when Im already hearing about it.
I asked “Have you ever gotten a shot?”
He smiled and lifted his hand to his back while saying “Yeah I got a shot on my back”
“Where you brave?”
“No” he shook his head “I had my blankie” He slowly walked away from me and sat down on the stairs “Im not brave yet.”

There are several things about this encounter that really got me thinking. First off this little four year old boy held open a door for someone. And when an adult tried to hold it for him he looked up at them and was like “I can hold the door …. really” Really?! Most of the time Im the only one who will stop and hold the door open for everyone and yet a child did the same thing and even stood up to an adult to do so.

But thats not what really caught my attenction. It was his comment about being brave. He said that he isnt brave yet.
You see recently several people I know and love have been faced with “shots”. Im calling them shots because they are situations that are painful, hard, scary, tough and/or scary. We all have to go through them …especially when we are seeking after Christ. Satan does not want us to reach Him. While sitting around we aren’t a threat to him, but as soon as we open our hearts to God we become his enemy and he attacks to keep us from reaching Him. To mess us up, ruin our confidence, destroy our bravery. To keep us from knowing Him (a friend of mine explains this in a blog they just posted unforunately the blog is messing up so i cant link to it).
Even if we aren’t brave now, and are like Peter sinking in the river or a little boy needing a blankie, God doesnt mind being there for us and we can become brave through Him.

We must not give up. We must grasp onto hope. We must have faith.

This passage says it all:

Psalm 31

To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.

1 In You, O LORD, I put my trust;

Let me never be ashamed;

Deliver me in Your righteousness.

2 Bow down Your ear to me,

Deliver me speedily;

Be my rock of refuge,

A fortress of defense to save me.

3 For You are my rock and my fortress;

Therefore, for Your name’s sake,

Lead me and guide me.

4 Pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me,

For You are my strength.

5 Into Your hand I commit my spirit;

You have redeemed me, O LORD God of truth.

6 I have hated those who regard useless idols;

But I trust in the LORD.

7 I will be glad and rejoice in Your mercy,

For You have considered my trouble;

You have known my soul in adversities,

8 And have not shut me up into the hand of the enemy;

You have set my feet in a wide place.

9 Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am in trouble;

My eye wastes away with grief,

Yes, my soul and my body!

10 For my life is spent with grief,

And my years with sighing;

My strength fails because of my iniquity,

And my bones waste away.

11 I am a reproach among all my enemies,

But especially among my neighbors,

And am repulsive to my acquaintances;

Those who see me outside flee from me.

12 I am forgotten like a dead man, out of mind;

I am like a broken vessel.

13 For I hear the slander of many;

Fear is on every side;

While they take counsel together against me,

They scheme to take away my life.

14 But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD;

I say, “You are my God.”

15 My times are in Your hand;

Deliver me from the hand of my enemies,

And from those who persecute me.

16 Make Your face shine upon Your servant;

Save me for Your mercies’ sake.

17 Do not let me be ashamed, O LORD, for I have called upon You;

Let the wicked be ashamed;

Let them be silent in the grave.

18 Let the lying lips be put to silence,

Which speak insolent things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.

19 Oh, how great is Your goodness,

Which You have laid up for those who fear You,

Which You have prepared for those who trust in You

In the presence of the sons of men!

20 You shall hide them in the secret place of Your presence

From the plots of man;

You shall keep them secretly in a pavilion

From the strife of tongues.

21 Blessed be the LORD,

For He has shown me His marvelous kindness in a strong city!

22 For I said in my haste,

“I am cut off from before Your eyes”;

Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications

When I cried out to You.

23 Oh, love the LORD, all you His saints!

For the LORD preserves the faithful,

And fully repays the proud person.

24 Be of good courage,

And He shall strengthen your heart,

All you who hope in the LORD.

Seeing Hope

Pulling forward
Pushing hard
Waiting for the day break to come
Silently hearing
Desperately hoping
Waiting for the clouds to fade

Rain
I can hear the sound of rain

Falling neatly
Almost silently
Replying to all the desperate pleas
Filling the void
Opposite is the answer
Opposite is best

Day
Day break has come

Doesn't Get Much Harder Than This

Losing a student/child.

Thursday night a a 13 year old boy died. He was a very sweet, loving, excited about like, thankful, hyper kid. His death is probably one of the most shocking things ever. There is no why. It’s a tragic lose. Simple as that. A tragedy.

Tonight at youth group we payed tribute to him.
We took 800 candles, spelled out his name and lite them. It was good.
The circumstances and reasons aren’t but the experience was. Students who had been holding back from grieving felt safe and mourned. Several told us that it was what they needed. A viewing or funeral can’t do what tonight did for them. The setting, the comfort, the beauty.
Being able to sit on the gym floor praying for for his family while looking at his name in flames was so comforting. I cried. It was good. My youth pastor puts it this way … along these lines “We’re supposed to mourn. Jesus wept. We should weep as well. Its good for us becuase it is how we are made to handle things. God did not make us to move on, ignore, or search for reasons for closure.” At times like this we need Him. The same as always but most people try to find comfort in other things. Food, movies, reasons for why?, sleep, busyness. God is what helps. The only comfort that helps. Thirty students showed me this once again tonight.

Adjusting

Losing someone is always hard. People move, start a new chapter of their lives. And sometimes they never come back.
Throughout my life I’ve had to deal with this. What has helped up till now is that I know it’s not a true goodbye. I will see them again relatively soon. It may be a couple years, but there will be phone calls and emails until then. That and all my goodbyes have been to friends. Not once have I had to learn to adjust to life without an adult that I respect and love.

I work at a church as a youth group intern.
I also have several other jobs at the same church but my focus is on the youth group. I don’t agree with doctrine of the church, but the youth group is different. In fact for awhile people in the church had problems with how the youth group ministers, but they’ve gotten over it.
The point is I love working here. Especially because of the team I am with. The Youth Pastor, our Assistant and Techie … we get along great and make a wonderful team.
Two Sundays ago I found out that the youth pastor is leaving. He has taken a position as a youth minister at a church in the Detroit area, his hometown. I haven’t figured out how to take it.
When he first told me I was set on the fact that he had to be pulling a joke on me … not a very funny one though. He’s that kind of person, constantly joking around, pulling pranks, making up elaborate stories just to see how far he can go. I wasn’t until Foster, our volunteer who does tech, looked over at me and stated that this was real.

How do you do this?
Adjust to life without not only your boss (who has been more then generous) but your friend and spiritual father. Someone who you see almost everyday …. and enjoy almost every moment. Someone who understands you more than you can understand.

As I’ve been trying to process this the past two weeks one song comes to mind. “The Call” by Regina Spektor.

“Then word grew louder and louder till it was battle cry
I’ll come back when you call me, no need to say goodbye.
Just because everything changing doesn’t mean its never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war.
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You’ll come back when it’s over no need to say goodbye.
…. But just because they can’t feel it too doesn’t mean that you have to forget
let your memories grow stronger and stronger until they’re before your eyes.
You’ll come back when they call you no need to say goodbye”

Emotions

It’s really odd how easily our emotion can change. Now as a woman i know I can’t speak for guys, but I can say I have seen the attitude/emotion of a man change very quickly.

Just today I was feeling rather happy. The sun was shining, beautiful weather overall, work was enjoyable, I was freshly showered and *I thought* looking very nice. Im not saying that these things have changed, but rather that I don’t appreciate them as much at the moment and it is now dark and windy so the weather has changed.
Around 7pm tonight as I sat at the front desk paying only enough attention to buzz people inside the building my sister came bearing bad news. Now she didn’t try to slide it in as she handed me the movie I had requested. Instead she declared I was going to kill her before she was even up the flight of stairs to my desk. Now this introduction of herself first lead me to think that she had ruined my favorite jacket, which I had been letting her borrow the past few days and just the night before gotten on her about almost putting the sleeves in fingernail polish.
To my dismay that was not the case at all.
Before I go on I must tell you that earlier that day my mom had mentioned returning a movie we had rented the previous night. Now I had watched this movie with her and my sister but was still planing on watching it again tonight with a good friends of mine. So I asked her if we could return the movie before I went to work so that I may then check it back out, under my name, along with another movie. Sadly we did not have enough time to do this; in the end I gave my debit card to my mom so that she may process the transaction after taking me to work and before picking up my sister from school.
Naturally all of this went through my head as my sister stood before me. I could only wonder until she decided to start describing a particular event to me … “I was telling mom something when the wind hit my hand so hard that your card flew out of my hand” …. “I had the movie in my hand too” (now she has a card and the movie in her hand while telling me this) … “So we turned around and searched for it … yes we were driving … my hand was outside the window … it just was. And no this is not your card. We looked for your for 10 minutes and couldn’t find it. You need to call this number and deactivate your card.”
Agh! My only though was “money!”. After a few seconds it involved into “Why were you holding your hand outside the car window with my card in it?!”
My mom then came inside to see if I was handling it appropriately. She tried to calm me by saying that they would send me another card and, at my complaint that I didn’t have money now, all I had to do for was withdraw …. and then she left before I could put a word in.
Withdraw money … if you have withdrawn money you know that it must be in increments of 20. Most of the time this doesn’t bother me but as of renting the movie I only had $19.56 left in my bank account. The irony. Plus you can not withdraw without your bank card, so it would have been out of the question any way.

Probably the main reason why this is ticking me off so much is because I no longer have a way to buy dinner tonight and food for through Friday (i can really stretch a dollar). I know Ill be able to acquire cash by the weekend, I have some stashed at my moms house, but I don’t get paid till the end of the month and I am now without twenty dollars.

Needless to say I am no longer in a good mode.

Running When I Don't Know How

There is a verse in a very well known song that has always struck me.
It goes “You don’t know me; you don’t wear my chains.”

I’ve come to learn that everyone has different chains that they wear. Some choose to wear them; in fact they cling to them. Others don’t know how to get rid of them, some become indifferent to them, and then there are those who fight them some to be-rid themselves of them and others only to despair. Everyone deals with their chains differently.

My skin is like porcelain
Almost so white you can see threw it
Though that is what I have avoided always
To be seen
To be heard
People long for them
Even I
But when granted the wish
I grab a mask in despair
Its like dancing
We are taught to blend in
Yet we long to be pointed out
As exceptional
A fast learner
Someone who dances with their soul
And heart
This requires being like porcelain though
To accept the breaks
That come along with being
Yourself