Sunday Morning Rain

A bright, sunny, warm day turned to gray.

I don’t know why I let myself get to that point. The point of wallowing in self pitty and despair.
I lay in bed contemplating how life can go on. What is the point of trying? All it really is is a vicious cycle to stay up above the water.

The shadow, from the shades, moves across my bed room floor and moves onto the foot of the bed decorated with an awkward sherbert colored blanket creating wonderful lighting. I’ve always liked the lighting created by shades, especially in the morning; it perfect for photographs. Course there is nothing to take a picture of now.
There rarely is.

Im losing hold of it all. I can feel it sliping threw my fingers slow and steady. Leaving me with nothing.

I am Loved

It can be so strange how things work out.

As I look back on the weekend now I can’t help but go “did that really happen?” Not because those things were so wrong or uncalled for or even random, but because they fight all logic. It’s hard to comprehend how it all came to be.
I spent a lot of time with God Friday night and Saturday morning. He held me, comforted me, healed me, and spoke to me. Afterwards I could feel the difference. I could even see the difference.

I was free. I am free!

Funny That

People always say you can tell if someone has a relationship with God and I believe it’s true.

Well this guy I’ve known for almost three years from Swing Dancing just happens to be the guys RA in my dorm. And Wednesday night I find out that him and his girlfriend go to Covenant. He was in Argentina for missions this summer and a bunch of that jazz.
But what gets me is that I’ve always liked the two of them … there was just something about those two that just made me want to spend time with them.

As it turns out I was just seeing Christ in them.

Breath of Life

This weekend was that breath of fresh air that I have been struggling for ever since coming back to Greenville.
I knew I had been slowly dieing here, suffacating from all the pain and sorrow I’ve been drealing in, unable to pull myself up above it all and get fresh air.

Funny how the little things can bring such freedom and revalation in ones life. While in Orlando I never once danced durring worship nor did I draw. I don’t know why I didn’t do these things, they are a part of who I am and yet for a period of my life I set them aside. I now can see how God used the lack of those things to show me something else, but I still longed for them.
Friday night durring one of the “excersises”, this one being prophesying, I was told that God was going to use me in visual arts. The next night I was up worshiping when I had the sudden urge to go draw … and I did.
I also danced this weekend, which was very freeing.

I felt God, saw God, heard God all this weekend. I worshiped with others, people who I knew, people I didn’t know. I prayed with other people, I danced, shouted and sang with other people. And it didn’t matter who they were.
And I thanked God for placing me here in Greenville, NC.

Am I Really Here?

Several times over the past few weeks I have had to stop to take in what I am seeing, doing and feeling. Just this Sunday I had one of those moments while out playing Ultimate Frisbee with some friends.
I had just gotten to my teams end of the field for another “kick”off when I had to majorly check myself. I had just “lapsed” back into time, two years ago. Everything was the same … we were playing the same game, with mostly the same people, in the same field, with the same kind of weather …. and I could keep on going on. It was like I had never left, never gone to Florida, never gone to Russia. And then it hit me that my DTS is over.

I’ve had several of these realizations that I am not going back to Orland, that I am not going to see my friends in the morning. In those moments I almost fall apart completely; the realization makes me aware of how lonely I am, how miserable the past few weeks have been,how much I long to just sit and talk with someone who actually cares. It’s like my mind knows I can’t handle the reality of whats going on so I can only comprehend what has happened for a few minutes randomly throughout the week.

I mean it can’t be over yet. It hasn’t really been five months, has it?

Story of My Life

I have decided to start this blog because of one prominent reason. I need to have a place to express my struggles and trials of my everyday life and how God is using them for His greatest glory.

My blogs will probably consist of problems I find in adjusting to new situations and my frustrations of life, but hopefully there will also be a few that express my gratitude to God even if just for the little things and my marvel of life and beauty.