Ages Turning

Recently I have been taking note of how things have changed over the years, mainly in the people I know.It can be so strang when you stop and think about the changes. why they came about, how fast the person changed, how your relationship with that person has changed, why the relationship changed … some of it can be rather hard to believe.

I use to have friends who I was extremely close to; now I have no idea whats going on in their lives. And visa versa. I have very few people around me today that were around me two years ago. In fact I can only think of three people, aside from family, that are still in my life from only a little more than a year and a half ago.

It’s so strange how things end up.

Overwhelming Joy

You know life really isn’t a vicious cycle as everyone likes to say it is. Yes life can be vicious but it is not a cycle. The only times I have ever encountered life that is a cycle it was because the person made it that way, even if they didn’t realize it.
The point is I use to think the sorrow, pain, loneliness, fear, and depression were unavoidable. That life at the moment may be joyous and wonderful but that eventually something was going to happen and life would be sad again. But it’s not true. Sorrow and pain may come but they don’t have to.
With God things that at one time would have brought sadness now bring rejoicing. That is the power of God’s love. His unfailing love is so great that even though “life” may be falling apart one can be utterly joyful, because His love is that overwhelming.

Wondering

Lord You make my head spin

You give me butterflies

Just the mention of Your name
The though of You
Makes my cheeks turn red

I’m bashful in Your presence

I will forever wonder
Why You choose to spend
Time with me

I have nothing to offer

Remind me why You care
Please tell me again
How beautiful I am

You’ve called me Yours
Do You realize what You have claimed
I am nothing

Oh God show me my worth

Am I really what this world declares

If I am You would not take me

Why is the perception so different
How can such beauty
Be considered trash

Someone has to be wrong

A Savior

Everyone needs compassion
A comforter to hold them
Turn to the lonely
Lend a guiding hand

Torn between the worlds
Constant and confused
I’m looking for that Savior
To carry my on through

Night utters day
Dance unto Me
Forever creation plays
Its honoring symphony

Simple Truth

Oh the simple things where have they gone?
Days are problems before the coming
And minutes are terms for disasters
How could life get this far away?
It pulls at every opportunity
Forcing each step to be taken
Truth relentless to spill out
Ambitions hidden under the surface
Living in a rebellious cover
Showing on the bare minimum
How could I let life get this fake?

My Heart

Lift my hands up above
Stepping to the beat
And my beating heart
Pours out its symphony
Shine like the clouds
Speak to me like the rain
Over Jordon dancing
To all of creation
Ferocious You take my hand
Guiding away from flashy
Broken, bleeding, yearning
For healing in soul
Where You go help me
Understand the love
Move to the beat of surrender

A Taste of Flesh

Butterflies And Gravity Lull Me Into
anticipation Of The Offer So Sweet
Cruelty Makes It’s Way pleasure
Turns Me Over Blue-Scripts
Let The Funeral Condemn
Know The Fullness Of Readiness
To Part Isn’t Meant for
Anyone To Hang Dangling
To The Pleasure Of Sadness
tunnels Down Pour Love
In Showrooms To Display Fullness
beautiful Fall Into Fragrance


July 16, 07 - I wrote this while in Russia

Sunday Morning Rain

A bright, sunny, warm day turned to gray.

I don’t know why I let myself get to that point. The point of wallowing in self pitty and despair.
I lay in bed contemplating how life can go on. What is the point of trying? All it really is is a vicious cycle to stay up above the water.

The shadow, from the shades, moves across my bed room floor and moves onto the foot of the bed decorated with an awkward sherbert colored blanket creating wonderful lighting. I’ve always liked the lighting created by shades, especially in the morning; it perfect for photographs. Course there is nothing to take a picture of now.
There rarely is.

Im losing hold of it all. I can feel it sliping threw my fingers slow and steady. Leaving me with nothing.

I am Loved

It can be so strange how things work out.

As I look back on the weekend now I can’t help but go “did that really happen?” Not because those things were so wrong or uncalled for or even random, but because they fight all logic. It’s hard to comprehend how it all came to be.
I spent a lot of time with God Friday night and Saturday morning. He held me, comforted me, healed me, and spoke to me. Afterwards I could feel the difference. I could even see the difference.

I was free. I am free!

Funny That

People always say you can tell if someone has a relationship with God and I believe it’s true.

Well this guy I’ve known for almost three years from Swing Dancing just happens to be the guys RA in my dorm. And Wednesday night I find out that him and his girlfriend go to Covenant. He was in Argentina for missions this summer and a bunch of that jazz.
But what gets me is that I’ve always liked the two of them … there was just something about those two that just made me want to spend time with them.

As it turns out I was just seeing Christ in them.

Breath of Life

This weekend was that breath of fresh air that I have been struggling for ever since coming back to Greenville.
I knew I had been slowly dieing here, suffacating from all the pain and sorrow I’ve been drealing in, unable to pull myself up above it all and get fresh air.

Funny how the little things can bring such freedom and revalation in ones life. While in Orlando I never once danced durring worship nor did I draw. I don’t know why I didn’t do these things, they are a part of who I am and yet for a period of my life I set them aside. I now can see how God used the lack of those things to show me something else, but I still longed for them.
Friday night durring one of the “excersises”, this one being prophesying, I was told that God was going to use me in visual arts. The next night I was up worshiping when I had the sudden urge to go draw … and I did.
I also danced this weekend, which was very freeing.

I felt God, saw God, heard God all this weekend. I worshiped with others, people who I knew, people I didn’t know. I prayed with other people, I danced, shouted and sang with other people. And it didn’t matter who they were.
And I thanked God for placing me here in Greenville, NC.

Am I Really Here?

Several times over the past few weeks I have had to stop to take in what I am seeing, doing and feeling. Just this Sunday I had one of those moments while out playing Ultimate Frisbee with some friends.
I had just gotten to my teams end of the field for another “kick”off when I had to majorly check myself. I had just “lapsed” back into time, two years ago. Everything was the same … we were playing the same game, with mostly the same people, in the same field, with the same kind of weather …. and I could keep on going on. It was like I had never left, never gone to Florida, never gone to Russia. And then it hit me that my DTS is over.

I’ve had several of these realizations that I am not going back to Orland, that I am not going to see my friends in the morning. In those moments I almost fall apart completely; the realization makes me aware of how lonely I am, how miserable the past few weeks have been,how much I long to just sit and talk with someone who actually cares. It’s like my mind knows I can’t handle the reality of whats going on so I can only comprehend what has happened for a few minutes randomly throughout the week.

I mean it can’t be over yet. It hasn’t really been five months, has it?

Story of My Life

I have decided to start this blog because of one prominent reason. I need to have a place to express my struggles and trials of my everyday life and how God is using them for His greatest glory.

My blogs will probably consist of problems I find in adjusting to new situations and my frustrations of life, but hopefully there will also be a few that express my gratitude to God even if just for the little things and my marvel of life and beauty.